Getting what you want out of your sex life can be extraordinarily difficult for the simple reason that there’s another human being involved (usually). Not many of us are gifted communicators, much less communicators of sexual wants and desires, who can be inoffensive and still get what we want; however, there are a few basic rules of expressing yourself sexually that you could all do with learning.

The following tips from AskMen.com’s From the Bar to the Bedroom will help you express yourself more effectively.

How to communicate what you want in bed without a fight

Nobody likes being criticized, particularly when it comes to bedroom performance, so keep it simple. If she does something you like, tell her. If she does something you don’t like, tell her what you do like. Expressing yourself in the bedroom is a simple case of repeatedly accentuating the positives and just not mentioning the negatives unless they are really, really negative and she keeps doing it.

If you tell her what you like enough times and point her in the right direction with gentle guidance, she can’t help but get the message. Show her, tell her, scream from the rooftops how fabulous that felt.

However, if she does something painful like biting your tender loins or if you know she’s been faking it all the time, it’s time to sit down and really talk. If you can’t talk about sex openly and honestly, then what can you do? Relationships blossom under the influence of open, honest and calm conversations, and expressing yourself will only become easier.

Talking dirty: How to, and how not to

There is more art than science in talking dirty to a woman, which makes it a little bit ambiguous — most unhelpful to a beginner. Initiating dirty talk in bed starts by observing your lover: Does she like to swear? Is she a churchgoer? How does she like to get it on? These factors will help you choose how to approach her ears with your voice, and express your inner dirty talker.

Next is the subject matter. Stick to sexy topics; leave other people, small children and pets out of it. You want to turn her on, not make her laugh or scare her, so choose your dirty-talk voice and give it a go by first testing the waters. Then, when she doesn’t laugh, but instead gets more turned on, keep going.

Don’t dirty talk it all the time and don’t disrespect her — calling her a dirty whore may heat up the moment, but it may also make her feel like you don’t respect her and that is a big turn off. Make it clear that its playtime, and this gutter talk does not carry on outside of the sexual encounter. Prepare to laugh, and get her involved. Do talk about your fantasies, and do talk about what you are doing to her and how much you like it. They are easy topics you can’t really go wrong with, for example: “I love how my c*ck is f*cking you so deep/hard.” You get the picture.

Introducing kink

Fetishes, fantasies and kinky behavior are not always well accepted by some people, men included. Explaining a true fetish to someone you care about can be very difficult, as a true fetish is not just ”for fun”; it is part of an individual’s make up and not something one can just “get over.”

Kinky sex that involves such things as spanking, bondage and whips can be a great deal of fun, but observe the rules: permission is required, make sure there’s no lasting damage (such as rope burns), and use safe words if required.

Role-playing for beginners: Dos and don’ts

Role-playing can add a new dynamic to sexual relationships by allowing you both to adopt another persona for a few hours. There are some guidelines for those new to role-playing.

Do

  • Both of you should dress up because it’s not fair if she is the only one dressing up and doing all the work. Have fun! Getting into character is supposed to be hilarious and sexy, so do your best to have a great time.

Don’t

  • Don’t try rape role-plays unless you both know exactly what you are doing; if she insists and you agree, use safe words.
  • Don’t try hardcore bondage and discipline as this can be a bit much for beginners, so keep it simple and use tried-and-true role-playing.
  • Don’t ever humiliate, disrespect or abuse your partner at any point during role-play. It is supposed to be fun, not cruel.

There are three role-plays that are innocent enough, and encourage sexual power plays:
- Headmistress and pupil
- Stripper and client
- Boss and secretary

However, since we are all unique in our preferences, choose a scenario that suits you both. Go ahead, man, and express yourself.



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